Michael D'Agostino

If you’re going to write a book with this title, there are two ways you can go. Either it has to be (A) a serious essay on the insurmountable technical problems of colonising Mars, together with an economic cost/gain model that argues in the starkest possible way that the whole idea is a huge white elephant or (B) you send the whole thing up as a rib tickling, cunningly astute parody of government and society. The authors have clearly chosen policy B but they’ve also failed to make it insightful or funny. Entertaining and imaginative street humour, yes, but there are no jokes at all and the situation comedy is just situation.

It is clear and undeniable that this isn’t a novel. The whole thing is written as a script, with occasional description. For example:
"Joksey: (looking around and finding food) “Not too bad…” "
There are hundreds of lines of this conversational form, actor-colon-quote, which isn’t in itself a problem but I think a decision should have been taken at some point whether this would be delivered as a script for performance or instead as a narrative description with quotes, i.e. a traditional novel. In its current form, I suggest it should be read by three people with a copy each, standing in a sound studio, taking turns to read out their own character’s lines.

“It was proposed that oxygen could be generated easily enough by using carbon dioxide in atmosphere.” That seems sensible. I know what they mean and the red planet does have an incredible mass of that particular gas, but for the average young space cadet reading this, I think the authors should elaborate on how oxygen can be made from carbon dioxide. To be realistic, I think NASA would use a hydrogen fuel cell because the equation there is: isolate some hydrogen on the voyage over (the most common element in space), input current from photo-electric cells, then the lightweight cell converts hydrogen into oxygen and water AND current as difference in potential = charge. Now, that’s efficient. I know a physics department nerd who builds these for fun. If you run them in reverse, they can turn current, oxygen and water into hydrogen and current, so you can turn your leftovers into bonus rocket fuel to push you home. Books like this should include new technological thinking but that can only happen if the writer is aware of it.

Growing potatoes on Mars would be quite an unlikely experiment, when it’s minus 100 degrees Fahrenheit at night and there’s no surface water, but at least in this story the plan is thought to be ludicrous and eventually follows that downward trajectory. Still though, a predictable flop without some clever tech to overcome the impossibility, so without that, why bother?

The observation that going to Mars costs a lot of money which might be better spent on Earth isn’t new, so I had hoped there would be more original things to say. There was also a wonderful opportunity for black humour when a character objected to another sitting on his legs and was told he didn’t have any legs. That was an empty moment waiting for a coup de grace which never came.

Without revealing the plot, the story is vaguely similar to that Simpsons episode where Homer and bar-fly Barney volunteer for astronaut training because NASA wants to send an ordinary dropout up in a rocket to inspire other ordinary dropouts. Barney turns out to be quite talented at it. Morons in Outer Space (old, crap film) is another project of this kind. Can ordinary people be heroes in exceptional situations or will they just stay ordinary and swear a lot? This experiment hasn’t been tried by any space agency in real life yet but I expect they would get what they paid for.

At one point in the ebook, there’s a random bit of yellow highlighter still left in, there’s “his favourite past time” (previous era) instead of pastime and there are a few clunky sentences, such as “I’m going outside and checkout Mars”. These could have been caught by a single proof read.

“the screenings for Mar’s” – “Mar’s astronauts” – “reaction to the Mar’s environment” – In fact, Mars is spelled Mar’s on six occasions in this book (something belonging to someone called Mar) and when you consider that this is about preparation for and then travelling to Mars, if you can’t even get that right…

I don’t feel one hundred percent behind the idea that we should or shouldn’t put people on Mars, as I think I could make a case both ways. Say I was a believer though, I would like to read a strong series of arguments in opposition to mine, as that would not only start the debate but would also make me re-evaluate and improve my proposal in response. Both sides are then working on the plan and it isn’t a walkover. In this story, finding an argument worth sensible consideration felt like going out all night looking for Willo-the-Wisp.

I did understand this book but I didn’t get a lot from it, didn’t learn anything new and didn’t have my perceptions challenged. I had expected at least some rudimentary humour but couldn’t even find that. To recap, some of this is original but in my view it’s written in the wrong format, needs more humour, would benefit from additional research and, if it is indeed a critique, both the subject of ambitious scientific goals within the Solar System and the pompous aspirations of humanity get off lightly. The authors are prolific, have put in a lot of work, will have confidence in their own sense of comic timing and probably won’t agree with large parts of my critical analysis. For my part, I’m saying what I’ve found, reasonably and without any cruel intention. I wanted to be on board, to enjoy the ride, but got deflated. If it appeals to you, then great, the above becomes just an individual’s opinion.

Let’s just say there are many things that could stand in the way of a Mars mission, but not this.… (mais)