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Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child (1990)

por John Bradshaw

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Are you outwardly successful but inwardly do you feel like a big kid? Do you aspire to be a loving parent but all too often "lose it" in hurtful ways? Do you crave intimacy but sometimes wonder if it's worth the struggle? Or are you plagued by constant vague feelings of anxiety or depression? If any of this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing the hidden but damaging effects of a painful childhood--carrying within you a "wounded inner child" that is crying out for attention and healing. In this powerful book, John Bradshaw shows how we can learn to nurture that inner child, in essence offering ourselves the good parenting we needed and longed for. Through a step-by-step process of exploring the unfinished business of each developmental stage, we can break away from destructive family rules and roles and free ourselves to live responsibly in the present. Then, says Bradshaw, the healed inner child becomes a source of vitality, enabling us to find new joy and energy in living. Homecoming includes a wealth of unique case histories and interactive techniques, including questionnaires, letter-writing to the inner child, guided meditations, and affirmations. Pioneering when introduced, these classic therapies are now being validated by new discoveries in attachment research and neuroscience. No one has ever brought them to a popular audience more effectively and inspiringly than John Bradshaw.… (mais)
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"One rainy Thurdsay afternoon I made the decision to reclaim and champion my inner child. I found him frightened to the point of terror. At first he did not trust me and would not go with me. Only by persisting in my efforts to talk to him and insisting that I would not leave him did he begin to trust me. In this book I described the stages of the journey that allowed me to become the guardian and champion of my inner child. That journey has changed my life." Selected Reading Questionnaire.
  ACRF | Jul 20, 2022 |
A narcissistic, alcoholic, and abusive mother who was there to raise the kids from multiple fathers. A mostly absent, drug addicted, abusive father who wanted nothing to do with his first two children (my brother and I). A child that wanted to do everything in their power to do right by the both of them, despite having to destroy their own personhood and self esteem along the way.
I feel like this book was made for me, and I'm more than glad I happened to come across it on accident while doing freelance work. It has helped me work through a lot of my memories and feelings. I have come across memories that didn't seem too bad until I brought them up with other people and they were disgusted and shocked by what I was saying. Yet I have also come across memories that I'm not sure actually happened to begin with.
This book is doing wonders for my wounded inner child. I've seen several therapists, been on different medications, and had finally given up on trying to move forward with my life. I had decided to stuff it all down further and further until I almost couldn't reach it besides the random painfully intrusive thought here and there. After having my first baby, I knew I needed to do something, I just didn't know what would work. Oddly enough, this book is working better than anything else has thus far. My only qualm is the occasional vague religious undertones that leads me to feel like perhaps I can't fully recover and move forward without some sort of diety/higher power(s). I do like, however, that it is accepting of all theistic/spiritual leanings.
I do recommend this book, and have personally recommended it to two different people in my life. It's likely not for everyone, but it doesn't hurt to give it a try! ( )
  JulienSaige | Sep 28, 2021 |
I bought this book at the suggestion of a therapist I have been seeing. I did my best to work through the activities and ignore his constant attacks on my Catholic faith and religion in general.

What eventually led me to put down this book was Chapter 7: Reclaiming Your School Age Self. In this chapter, he shames the whole system and gripes about how schools are set up to harm children. He compares them to prisons and calls the grading system "very shaming and distressing" which "creates toxic shame." "In our schools," he says, "if you did not learn geometry as fast as other kids your age, you failed geometry." Essentially, this is a child's voice couched in pseudo-academic language. It sounds as if, years later, he hasn't gotten over the fact that math wasn't his strongest subject. I disagree with him on what he says here (and in many other places), and while reading it I feel he is trying to shame me with the "toxic shame" he so often decries simply because I disagree with him.

Throughout what I read, Bradshaw complains about how the world is out to hurt everyone. You'll begin to wonder how anyone makes it through life at all. His tone is whiny, self-righteous and sanctimonious. His book advocates embracing victim-hood instead of becoming a warrior who has overcome your problems.

If you want to remain a child with even greater problems, buy this book and start sucking your thumb. Otherwise, keep looking, and keep living. ( )
  neverstopreading | Oct 10, 2012 |
Rediscover your inner child; resolve conflicts; unleash your creativity.
  Emporia | Jun 22, 2010 |
One of the great self help books of the 70-80's ( )
  latinobookgeek | Mar 9, 2007 |
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Co-dependence is fostered in unhealthy family systems. For example, everyone in an alcoholic family becomes co-dependent on the alcoholic’s drinking. Because the drinking is so life-threatening to each family member, they adapt by becoming chronically alert (hypervigilant). Adaptation to stress was intended by nature to be a temporary state. It was never intended to be chronic. Over time, a person living with the chronic distress of alcoholic behavior loses touch with his own internal cues—his own feelings, needs, and desires.

Children need security and healthy modeling of emotions in order to understand their own inner signals. They also need help in separating their thoughts from their feelings. When the family environment is filled with violence (chemical, emotional, physical, or sexual), the child must focus solely on the outside. Over time he loses the ability to generate self-esteem from within. Without a healthy inner life, one is exiled to trying to find fulfillment on the outside. This is codependence, and it is a symptom of a wounded inner child. Codependent behavior indicates that the person's childhood needs were unmet, and therefore he cannot know who he is.
DEPENDENCE

Children are dependent and needy by nature, not by choice. Unlike an adult, a child cannot meet his needs through his own resources, so he must depend on others to fill these needs. Unfortunately, this dependence on others is the child’s greatest vulnerability. The child doesn’t even know what he needs or what he feels. For better or for worse, his life is shaped from the beginning by the ability of his primary caretakers to know and to meet his needs at each stage of development.

If our caretakers have a wounded inner child, their neediness will prevent them from meeting their own children’s needs. Instead, they will either be angry at their child’s neediness or will try to get their own needs met by making their child an extension of themselves.

The wonder child is dependent because he is in a process of maturing, or “ripening.” Each stage of development is a step toward the full ripening of adulthood. If the child’s needs are not met at the proper time and in the proper sequence, he moves on without the resources necessary to meet the tasks of the next stage. A small mistake in the beginning has far-reaching consequences later on.

Healthy human life is characterized by continual growth. The very characteristics of childhood I am describing—wonder, dependency, curiosity, optimism—are crucial to the growth and flowering of human life.

In one sense, we remain dependent all our lives. We always are in need of love and interaction. No one is so self-sufficient that he does not need anyone else. Our wonder child's dependency allows us to form attachments and to make commitments. As we grow older, we need to be needed. At some point in healthy growth we become generative and care for life itself. This is our evolutionary vocation, if you will. It’s really a matter of balance between dependency and undependency. When the inner child has been wounded through neglect of his developmental dependency needs, he either isolates and withdraws or clings and becomes enmeshed.
Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse also inflicts the spiritual wound. Screaming and yelling at children violates their sense of value. Parents who call their children “stupid,” “silly,” “crazy,” “asshole,” and so on wound them with every word. Emotional abuse also comes in the form of rigidity, perfectionism, and control. Perfectionism produces a deep sense of toxic shame. No matter what you do, you never measure up. All shame-based families use perfectionism, control, and blame as manipulating rules. Nothing you say, do, feel, or think is okay. You shouldn’t feel what you feel, your ideas are crazy, your desires are stupid. You are continuously found to be flawed and defective.
One final note. One way adult children avoid their legitimate suffering is by staying in their heads. This involves obsessing about things, analyzing, discussing, reading, and spending lots of energy in trying to figure things out. There is a story about a room with two doors. Each door has a sign on it. One says HEAVEN; the other says LECTURE ON HEAVEN. All the co-dependent adult children are lined up in front of the door that says LECTURE ON HEAVEN!

Adult children have a great need to figure things out because their parents were unpredictable adult children themselves. Sometimes they parented you as adults; sometimes they parented you as wounded and selfish children. Sometimes they were in their addictions, sometimes not. What resulted was confusion and unpredictability. Someone once said that growing up in a dysfunctional family is like “getting to a movie in the middle and never understanding the plot.” Someone else described it as “growing up in a concentration camp.” This unpredictability caused your continual need to figure things out.

And until you heal the past, you will continue to try to figure it out. Staying in one’s head is also an ego defense. By obsessing on things, one does not have to feel. To feel anything is to tap in to the immense reservoir of frozen feelings that are bound by your wounded child’s toxic shame.
Numbing our pain is achieved through various ego defenses we use when reality becomes intolerable. Some of the most common defenses are: denial (“it’s not really happening”); repression (“it never happened”); dissociation (“I don’t remember what happened”); projection (“it’s happening to you, not to me”); conversion (“I eat or have sex when I feel it happening”); and minimizing (“it happened, but it’s no big deal”).

Basically, our ego defenses are ways to distract us from the pain we are feeling.
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Are you outwardly successful but inwardly do you feel like a big kid? Do you aspire to be a loving parent but all too often "lose it" in hurtful ways? Do you crave intimacy but sometimes wonder if it's worth the struggle? Or are you plagued by constant vague feelings of anxiety or depression? If any of this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing the hidden but damaging effects of a painful childhood--carrying within you a "wounded inner child" that is crying out for attention and healing. In this powerful book, John Bradshaw shows how we can learn to nurture that inner child, in essence offering ourselves the good parenting we needed and longed for. Through a step-by-step process of exploring the unfinished business of each developmental stage, we can break away from destructive family rules and roles and free ourselves to live responsibly in the present. Then, says Bradshaw, the healed inner child becomes a source of vitality, enabling us to find new joy and energy in living. Homecoming includes a wealth of unique case histories and interactive techniques, including questionnaires, letter-writing to the inner child, guided meditations, and affirmations. Pioneering when introduced, these classic therapies are now being validated by new discoveries in attachment research and neuroscience. No one has ever brought them to a popular audience more effectively and inspiringly than John Bradshaw.

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