Edward: Hello? Hello? What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here!

Benjamin: Don't toads give you warts?
Harvey: You may give a toad a wart, but a toad may not give a wart to you!

Harvey: Doubtless you've been in the bathroom, spraying your belly with sticky white love piss!

Harvey: Perhaps you're a naturally slothful person, sluggish and indolent. A dawdling flaneur, content to waste his life spread-eagled on pillows, forever indulging himself in the pleasures of the palm.

Visitor: ...You are a shop?
Tubbs: No, I'm a lady!

Geoff: Have we missed the cakes?

Ross: The monkey and the lesbian! It sounds like one of Aesop's fables!

Tubbs: You lied to me, Edward! There is a Swansea! And other places too!

Mike King: Any problems, don't hesitate to call me, day or night. Apart from night.

Mike King: This one's going out to Sharlene on the Carol E. Scott Ward, she's 14 years old today and having a termination. Here's the Bay City Rollers and Bye Bye Baby.

Ollie: Just drive through them Dave, they can't stop theatre!

Harvey: In this house, the first Monday of every month is Nude Day.

Ally: You devoid! Shakespeare is a language.

Papa Lazarou: You're my wife now!

Mike: I sent you an email!
Geoff: I can't open 'em, can I? I've only got Windows 95!

Pauline: You can shout as many jobs as you want, Ross. You'll never bloody get one, you worthless dole scum.

Pauline: Some of you, like Ross, will want to follow in your father's footsteps. But you can't sign on forever...

Matthew: I thought you were a vampire!
Herr Lipp: No, I am just a queen!

Postbox: Thank you for posting a letter inside me!

Ally: I don't like that Bradley Pitt anyway. Too much acting

Geoff: Brian says Cheryl looks like a moose. He said I can't believe he's marrying that old moose.
Brian: I never said that, Mike. Geoff did.
Geoff: No, I said she looked about a hundred years old, I didn't say like a moose.

Bernice: Some people call this Theatre in Education, I call it Aids in a Van.

Recording of Pauline: You work-shy set of bastards, what's the point of you?! Sit up straight, you bone-idle lazy cunt!-[Ross turns the recorder off]
Pauline: What was that?!
Ross: That was your workshop on self-esteem for the unemployed.

Pauline: Just who do you think you're talking to?!
Cathy Carter Smith: Well according to my report, a psychotic fifty year old lesbian!
Pauline: [outraged] How dare you! I'm forty eight!

Papa Lazarou: (while communicating to the dead) But wait...I'm hearing another voice! His name... is George!
Volunteer: G-George? Can I speak to him?
Papa Lazarou: (sarcastically) No, he's dead BUT...You can speak to him...Through me (does a series of odd movements). Now I am George.
Volunteer: George?
Papa Lazarou: Yesssss?
Volunteer: Is that you, George?
Papa Lazarou: (in exasperation) Yes it is, ask me a question!
Volunteer: Tell me my name, George.
Papa Lazarou: All right...
[Papa Lazarou pauses, unsure what to say, then breaks character]
Papa Lazarou: (in an undertone) What's your name?
Volunteer: Annie.

Chris Frost: Chalk it up!

Dr Fish: How old would you have been next birthday?